Breaking the Chains that Bind

My childhood was marked by uncertainty, unpredictability and volatility. The same trend continued through two marriages, friendships, work relationships, associations- in all areas of my life. I became a performer, a play write, a stage hand and a director in a desperate attempt to create some sense of safety for myself in the midst of what felt like a constant war zone. One thing was for certain- nothing terrified me more than the unknown.

All of my energy was wrapped up in trying to manage every possible outcome. I lived in a constant state of fight or flight — driven by the fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal and the unrelenting terror that constantly warned me doomsday was approaching.

Each harm done against me simply reinforcing the internal belief that. people could not be trusted.

Each failed relationship or situation. reinforcing the belief that I was incapable of making good choices.

I began to stand up for myself, draw boundaries and end relationships, quit jobs, and resign from volunteer positions.

Each abusive cycle shorter than the last.

Small victories right?

I had to be brutually honest with myself. I was the the common denominator and the only controllable amongst the myriad of variables, was me.

I continued to meet the same people over and over again — the same patterns kept playing over and over again in. my my life.

I kept working on myself. I kept getting better — but was this the best life had to offer me- less abusive relationships? Really?

Romantically, professionally and in friendships I kept finding myself drawn to narcissistic abusers or energy vampires of varying degrees.

Exhausted and hopeless I decided it was better to be alone than to continue this cycle. I got tired of the dance.

I eliminated everyone from my life outside of my closest family. I left my volunteer roles, ended friendships abruptly and abandoned my new business.

One by one I eliminated every possible threat to my emotional well being and sense of security.

We were not created to go at life alone, nor do I intend to stay alone — but alone is where I found myself.

Through the agonizing and liberating act of Jungian Shadow work with the Tarot, I have been able to dig through the piles of debris to find solutions for breaking. these destructive patterns and finally take my power back- and keep it.

I have found my worth as a divine being and a divine woman.

I have been able to — and I continue to — shatter self deception and escape the self imposed prison of congnizant dissonance.

I am no longer worried about tomorrow. — the unknown.

I’m no longer interested in playing Director — arranging the lights, hiring and firing actors, and writing the script or even knowing the ending.

I am here- in the now — both feet solidly planted on the ground, my heart and soul are healing — happy and overflowing with gratitude and joy.

Tonight I. release myself from shame and blame. I did the best I could with the tools I had. I am a miracle. Despite the hand dealt me I I trusted people — I was authentic and genuine — I loved with every fiber of my being and saw the best in people. I won’t apologize for that. I won’t lose that part of me. I won’t blame that part of me for holding on to the beautiful. She’s amazing.

The guilt and shame belongs squarely on those who abused my trust. I can forgive them, hurt people hurt people and I can move on. They will remain in my rear view mirror.

I am releasing what not longer serves me to make room for the beautiful me that is emerging.

Oh Goddess, do I love her desperately. 💕

I stand in the unknown. A place I have never been — an experience I have never encountered. I stand in the unknown in awe and inspired and unafraid. I stand in the unknown and I celebrate all that is and is to come. ~ Deborah

The Tarot is an incredible tool for breaking though cognizant dissonance and Jungian Shadow work for rapid progress ** in addition to therapy and your current program of recovery**

Reach out to me to learn more. deborah@bluemoonoracle.com